Ian and Table's Excellent Adventure
by AmericanJake
Summary: During Nat19's 28th session, the session of smash, Ian is left alone after winning a drinking contest. He is just shy of being passed out on the table, when a voice calls out to him...


**Scene** : In the small inn where the party had been drinking with Tobius' imaginary friends (all 400 of them), there is a man with a mess of red hair who is passed out at a table, face down next to an empty stein, all manner of ale, wine, and beer around him. He starts to stir, and our story begins.

IAN: "Hah… I fuckin' did it. I kicked that bastard Tobias' ass TWICE! Drank him under the goddamn TABLE!"

 _Ian then sends a flurry of kicks under the table, in an attempt to hit the man that is not there. After several minutes of pointless flailing, he stops._

IAN: "Take that, you bastard! Looking at my sister like that… Asshole…"

 _As Ian kept on pointlessly insulting Tobius, a gentle voice, similar to that of Gilbert Gottfried, rang in his ears._

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: "Hey now, he's not THAT bad of a man. He's just very, well, compensating. You know how it is, it's not easy being a gay man in Idelia. He needs to keep up appearances as the toughest, manliest man there is by trying to do women. And, by chance, your sister was the manliest woman in all the land, which made it easier for him to keep up that appearance!"

IAN: "Hey, fuck you man! My sister is the SECOND manliest woman in all of Scotland, have you ever SEEN our Governor?! I'm pretty sure that she's got a third fist hidden under that big, bushy beard! And wait, who's talking to me with that majestic and lovely voice?"

 _Ian then groggily lifted his head off of the table about half a foot, before it just slammed back to the wooden surface with a loud "THUD"._

IAN: "Y'know what, fuck it. I'm sure you're close enough for me to kick your ass if I have to."

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: "I'm closer than you think. And thank you, I'm glad that you like my impressions. That one will be worth a lot in maybe 70 years or so. Here's another one."

 _The voice then stops for a moment, filling the room with silence. That silence, however, is broken by the sound of yet another majestic voice, almost the exact same as that of future world renown comedian Danny Devito._

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: "IAN, you need to listen to me, kid! You need to get your head off my ass, okay? It's not cool, I think I've only seen you twice before!"

IAN: "Your ass? But this is a table that I'm on, not a-wait a second, what the fuck?"

 _Ian suddenly jolts up, sort of freaked out by the sudden revelation. He looked at the table, and realized he could hear the voice coming from the northern end of it._

TABLE: "Ah, that's MUCH better, my ass was falling asleep! Now, kid, listen to me. I know this is a lot to take in…"

IAN: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! A FUCKING TABLE IS TALKING TO ME SWEET MOTHER OF SCIENCE THIS IS HORRIFYING! It's also intriguing. BUT MOSTLY FUCKING TERRIFYING!"

TABLE: "... You done yet, kid?"

IAN: "Almost. Just one second. *inhales deeply* **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHAAAHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!** Okay, now I'm good. So, what goes on, Table?"

TABLE: "Well, while you all were drinking and being passed out, I noticed some less than savory individuals approach the inn, and they stole something of vital importance to your friends, Duncan and Tobias! I can't say what, but you gotta get it back, otherwise the mission might fail tomorrow!"

 _Ian then drunkenly leapt up from his seat, almost falling on his butt in doing so. He then smacked his face with both hands simultaneously, sobering up in no way whatsoever from doing so._

IAN: "Really? Well fuck, we gotta go get it! Which way did they go?!"

TABLE: "I saw them head to the south, we need to hurry!"

 _The table then got up on two legs, and started running out the door, a knife being wielded in its upper right leg. The table's voice also swapped again, this time sounding like future award winning actor Morgan Freeman._

TABLE: "C'mon, kid! We got no time to lose! The fate of the island depends on us!"

IAN: "I'm coming, I'm coming! Keep your… tablecloth… on? Fuck it, you know what I mean."

 _Ian and the table then leave the inn, and start running to the south, into the woods that dotted the area. The moon was full, and there was some slight snowfall. Ian's breath was clearly visible, but the table had no such breath clouds. Probably because it's a FRICKIN' TABLE!_

IAN: "Uh, Table, do you know where you're going? It's kinda cold out here, and dark. And I didn't grab a stein of booze before we left, so I'm only going to get more and more sober from the cold weather."

TABLE: "Ian, it's OK. I can smell him. Both of him… This way, get ready for a fight."

 _The Table and Ian crouched down to sneak up on the thief, creeping through the bushes as they do. As they reach a small clearing in the woods, they see a young man with dark brown hair standing there, looking around and talking to himself. His accent is that of either a southern german, or of an austrian, perhaps a mix of the two._

MAN: "NEIN NEIN NEIN, DAS IS NACHT GÜD! I need to get to ze ship, othervise ze var vill be lost! Und zen I vill be forced to beg mein art teachers to let me get one more try to get into ze college!"

IAN: "Psst, Table, is that the man you saw? It's probably the man you saw, he's talking about vore and other creepy shit, like 'art' and 'college' and 'ships'. We should kill him, keep him from doing other nefarious deeds."

 _Ian then jumps out from the bushes, brandishing his wakizashi-length broken katana, and pointed it at the man of general german descent. As he gets a better look at the man, Ian notices that he was wearing a uniform of the Imperial German Army. He looked to be in his mid 20s, and with some level of craziness in his eyes._

MAN: "Ah, GÜD! A lost little boy, who can help me vith mein direction. Tell me, vich vay is it off zis accursed island?"

 _Before Ian could even consider responding, Table leapt out of the shadows and tried to land on the man with his signature move, The People's Elbow! Unfortunately, such a communist move would not work on this man, as communism proper hasn't been invented yet, there's only Marxism, and that's not worthy of a move._

 _As the man dodged Table's strike, he pulled out a combat knife, ready to fight, and pointed it at the both Ian and Table._

MAN: "GAH! Zis piece of furniture sinks zat it can stop me?! Vell, let me show you vhy none can stop ze vulf!"

IAN: "The wolf? You got a wolf with you, bratwurst boy?"

MAN: "No, zat's my name. In english, it is 'Ze Vulf', but in mein native language, it is much more elegant. Mein name… IS ADOLF! ADOLF HITLER!"

TABLE: "Ian, that's the man, we gotta stop him before his backup arrives!"

 _Table readies the knife in its right arm, and goes in for another strike at Hitler, but Hitler was prepared for a follow up from the wooden warrior, and parried with his knife, and then swept his leg towards Table's legs, knocking them out from under him._

 _As Table is knocked to the ground, Ian leaps forward and threw a grenade behind Adolf, the blast sending him flying forward. Taking advantage of the blast's momentum, Hitler then threw his knife at Ian, which embedded itself in his left shoulder, up to the handle. As Ian grips the knife in pained reaction, Adolf landed on his feet in a very stylish and grandiose manner, then addressed his two foes._

HITLER: "You foolish mortals, you have NO IDEA as to vat I've had to go through to get here! Zere vas ze spider people whom vere vorshipping un hole, und zen zere vas ze man in ze blanket fort asking for bread to pass, und ZEN zere vas zis little dummkopf trying to keep me from gaining ze power I seek!"

 _Without skipping a beat, Hitler then raised his hands to the sky, and a large magic circle appeared around him. The runes on the circle started to glow, until a blinding beam of light engulfed Hitler, Ian shielding his eyes from its brilliance. As the light faded, Ian and Table looked to where their adversary cast his spell. Hitler was now riding atop a 12 foot tall, 20 foot long, 3 foot wide, 5 ton robotic bengal tiger, its eyes glowing green and staring at Ian and Table._

IAN: "What the ever loving shit is that?!"

 _Ian then ripped the knife out of his shoulder and tossed it aside, when Table started to speak to him. His voice had changed again, and it is up to the reader as to what voice he is using from this point forward. It can change at any time, but unless stated, the voice is up to the actor._

TABLE: "Don't think, just fight!"

 _Table then sent a lightning bolt flying towards the Imperial soldier on a robo-tiger, which signaled the start of the battle proper. Ian, thinking quickly, downed a haste potion and maneuvered around the tiger, keeping it between him and Table._

IAN: "You think I've never fought a robot thing before?! Well, I've yet to see something stand up to THIS! **STARFALL** "

 _He then raised his blade to the sky and cast Starfall, and Hitler and his robo-tiger were struck by several of the falling missiles. However, the tiger was still standing upright, albeit with a few holes exposing its wiring and magical cores, and Adolf was laughing maniacally._

HITLER: "You sink zat you can stop mein tiger-soldat? You insufferable Irishmen really are as dumb as you look, und your accent is just as offensive as your musical pipe bags!"

TABLE: "Oh fuck, he did NOT just say that…"

IAN: "IRISHMAN?! I'M _**SCOTTISH**_ , MOTHERFUCKER!"

 _Ian, without hesitation, grabbed a bottle containing his mutagen, and downed it in an instant to transform into his komodo dragon hybrid form. With a loud and proud SCOTTISH roar, Ian leapt up on the tiger, preparing to fight Hitler in single combat. Table took it upon himself to neutralize the tiger-soldat in the meantime._

HITLER: "Oh, mein bad. If I had seen zhis terribly ugly form before, I'd have known, beyond un shadow of un doubt, zat you vere Scottish. But, I vonder… do Scotts bleed plaid?"

IAN: "Oh, what a coincidence, I was wondering if Germans bled sauerkraut and beer!"

TABLE: "Ian, focus on the fight, not on witty commentary! We've got to get back the ring!"

 _After the banter had stopped, Table started his assault on the tiger-soldat, throwing his knife into one of the tiger's legs to keep it from moving around so much. He then rolled over to where Adolf's knife was thrown by Ian, and picked it up. As the tiger screeched about, attempting to charge forward, Table used his nimble legs to leap into one of the holes Ian created with starfall, and started hacking away at its more vulnerable innards._

 _While Table was taking care of his part of the fight, Ian and Hitler squared off atop the tiger-soldat's back. Ian's more relaxed streetfighter style pose against Hitler's well honed Reichsadler style kung fu pose shows the dissonance between the two warriors. After one last moment of staring each other down, they both rush in, eager for the first blow. Ian sends a reptilious right hook flying towards Adolf's face, but The Wolf caught it between his two hands, and sent a flurry of kicks into Ian's soft underbelly, making him grunt in pain._

IAN: "Your Reichsadler style is mighty, german! But it's no match for my Glasgo-fuck-yourself street style!"

 _Ian then let loose a flurry of jabs with his free arm, knocking off Hitler's Pickelhaube when one swing nearly connected. But while Ian was using his punches to distract Adolf, he slid his tail behind him and used it to punch Hitler right in the kidneys!_

HITLER: "GWAAAAH! Das ist not fair, you back attacking schweinhund!"

 _Hitler pissed blood before he grabbed Ian's arm and flipped him over his shoulder, sending him crashing onto the tiger-soldat's back. Ian, in a daze, came to his senses, just in time to roll to the side and avoid a curbstomp from his Reichous foe._

IAN (to himself): Damn, he's too strong, his Reichsadler style kung fu has too few openings for my Glasgo-fuck-yourself style of street fighting. DAMMIT, this is a most heinous situation… if only I had something to give myself an upper hand…

 _Ian, in rushed desperation, started fumbling through his potions, and found one that he hadn't had before. It was the one Gae-El gave to him while he was passed out, and had a large label that said "for use when the situation is most heinous."_

IAN: "When did I…? Nevermind that, I'd say this is a situation most heinous!"

 _Ian immediately threw the whole bottle into his mouth, and chomped down on it. Instantly, his body started to glow brightly, right as Table shouted out from the tiger-soldat._

TABLE: "Not so tough without your pipelines and wires, now are you!"

 _The tiger-soldat immediately jerked around, sending Hitler, Table, and Ian flying into the air before it exploded. While Ian was midair, the light emanating from his body reached its peak, blinding those who dared to look at him._

TABLE: "IAN! Son, are you alright?!"

HITLER: "Hah! That foolish kilt wearing ginger is done for! Und I shall make off with ze ring I had been longing after for so long!"

TABLE: "Oh yeah? Well, then you're going to need to go through me!"

 _As Table and Hitler squared off, Hitler using his Reichsadler style to immediately disarm Table of his knife, a loud, earth shaking 'THUD' knocked the two to the ground._

HITLER: "VAT IN ZE HE- OH MEIN GOTT!"

 _Right before Hitler's eyes, was Ian, in his human form. His hair was a fiery-er red color, sticking straight up to the sky. His eyes were now green instead of their normal color, and he had on the most intricately designed kilt, with his family crest embroidered on the front in the most regal of colors. All around Ian, there was this yellow aura, and it emanated a sense of strength, as well as the fury of one thousand slighted Scotsmen._

TABLE: "Oh my God… he's done it! He's really done it! I knew he was special, but to think, he'd become the warrior of legend, passed down in Scotland for millennia! He's… he's the Legendary Super Scot!"

HITLER: "Pfft, so vat? He put some blood in his hair and got his girly skirt on, big voop! I'll still destroy him vi-"

 _Before Adolf could finish his sentence, Ian walked up to him, picked him up by the collar, and punched him 12 times in such rapid succession, that there was a sonic boom from each hit._

IAN: "IMMA UNLEASH THE MCKRACKEN ALL OVER YOUR PANSY ASS, BRATWURST BOY!"

 _Despite being beaten and bloodied in an instant, Hitler was still defiant, even as he recognized the gravity of his situation._

HITLER: "Ze legendary super scot?! No, zat's not possible, zat is only legend, zere is no VAY zat is real! Unless… zat might mean… ze legends of ze legendary... Zey might be real as well!"

 _As Hitler contemplates the possibility that, if one legend is true, another might also be true, Ian picks him up by his leg and chucks him straight through three grand oak trees. The mighty oaks fall amongst a shower of woodchips from the impact, and Ian then looks to Table, his mighty scottish accent echoing throughout the silence of the night._

IAN: "What did he steal, or do you think that my power alone would be just fine for tomorrow?"

TABLE: "I… he… I don't know, I mean, you ARE the legendary super scotsman, but we're going to war with a GOD tomorrow. I know the legends were vague, but I-"

IAN: "That reminds me, how does a Table like you know about the legends of my people, passed down from generation to generation?"

TABLE: "Isn't it obvious? I'm Scottish, of course. I know my accent is kinda faded, and I lost my kilt in the fire of '93. 1793, that is. But I remember when my grandfather, a clock, told me the tale. I had thought nothing of it until now, but you might just be strong enough to kill a God…"

IAN: "So, we can leave Chucklefuck von Hamburg alone, then? Fine by me, I've always wanted to kill a God, that's why I became a scientist, after all! Don't think too much into it."

 _As Table just stared in awe at Ian as he started heading back to the town, a large tree landed in front of Ian, and he stopped. He then turned around, to see a figure standing about 200 feet away from him, with a golden glowing aura. Using his superior Super Scotsman eyes, Ian could see that the figure that threw a tree at him was… Hitler?!_

IAN: "What in the bloody fucking hell is that all about, you deutsche douche?"

HITLER: "Ah, but you are leaving much too earlier, mein foolish Super Scot. Thanks to ze power of ze ring, I have ascended to new levels of power!"

 _Hitler then appears on screen, the camera slowly panning up from his boots. As the camera pans, a golden aura can be seen around him, radiating power. As the camera reaches his face, his normally dark colored moustache is noticeably different, in that it is a perfect blonde color. The camera then cuts to a shot of Hitler's closed eyes, which open to reveal they are now a piercing ice blue. We are then shown a shot of Hitler from a 2/3s angle from the top as he looks up and slightly the right (his right) of the camera. The audience can now see that his hair is also a perfect blonde, and is sticking straight up._

HITLER: "Sanks to ze ring, I have ascended, just as you have, mein vorthy adversary! I have become ze legendary Super Aryan!"

IAN: "Pfft, so you found some bleach and colored contacts, then licked a wall socket. Big whoop, you pretender!"

 _The camera now rotates enough to show Ian in the center, with Table behind him, quivering slightly._

TABLE: "Ian, I don't think this is a bluff. Look at his pants, you'll see what I mean."

 _The camera then focuses on Adolf's pants, showing a rather noticeable bulge. Ian notices this, then looks to Table out of the corner of his eyes, still facing towards Hitler._

IAN: "So he has a rager, I don't see what the problem is. I mean, I'd be more concerned if he DIDN'T have a raging boner. If you're fighting evil, or in his case, a superior enemy, and your dick isn't hard enough to drill through concrete, you're either a liar or pacifist."

TABLE: "No, that's not the problem. Rather, it's the SIZE. I noticed his bulge when the fight started, and it was significantly smaller then. He must have used the ring to-"

IAN: "Okay, I'm gonna stop you there for a second, chief. You keep talking about a ring, but I don't see what that has to do with this current situation. I know he stole Tobias' ring, but-"

HITLER: "YES! Sanks to zat fairy tale's rainbow diamond encrusted cock ring, I have unlocked ze power of mein erection, und I can now tap into ze power of ze legendary Super Aryan! I am no longer Adolf Hitler. I am now become Adolf "Motherfucking" Hitler!"

 _With that last decree, Adolf Motherfucking Hitler charged towards Ian and Table with the speed of 100 thousand coffee addicts on cocaine AND espresso, to which Ian met with his equally impressive speed. The fighters have become all but invisible to the average eye, but the sounds of sonic booms are blasting out at such a breakneck pace that Table has fallen back against the fallen tree, stunned as he watched the two legendary beings fought their fated battle._

 _As the battle rages on, the two warriors start to lose stamina, and the sonic booms caused by their strikes slow down, then vanish all together. They are now visible to the untrained eye, and they are both covered in bruises, their clothes torn and tattered in places. Both Ian and AMH are panting heavily, but still stand in fighting poses._

IAN: "Dammit, I hate to admit it, but you've got some impressive power there, Motherfucker."

HITLER: "Ja, I can say ze same to you, whoever you are."

IAN: "MY NAME IS MCKRACKEN, I DONE TOLD YOU I WAS GONNA UNLEASH THE MCKRACKEN ON YOUR SORRY ASS, YOU PRICK! LEAST YOU COULD DO IS REMEMBER IT!"

 _Ian, in a rage, then sprinted in for one last assault. As he charged, Hitler prepared to block his strikes, only for Table to throw a knife at him, breaking his concentration on the charging Super Scot. Using the opening Table provided, Ian proceeded to give Hitler a left hook, then a right, then punched the top of his head, sending Hitler's body halfway to the ground. Before he could recover, Ian then unleashed his ultimate move: The Nutcracker Special. He took his mighty Scottish leg back and proceeded to put all his power into punting Hitler right in the dick. As the hit connected, Hitler was launched 500 feet into the air, a loud and high pitched scream being heard going up, fading as he got too high up, then returning as he fell back to earth, maybe 30 feet from where he was kicked. As he landed, the rainbow diamond encrusted cock ring rolled towards Table. The ring had fallen off Hitler's dick when he was launched into the stratosphere, and only now just landed. Hitler was balled up in the fetal position, his hair no longer blonde, and his eyes no longer blue._

TABLE: "Well… 'We' did it, Ian!"

 _As Table picked up the ring with one leg, and high fived Ian with another, Ian's Super Scot powers dissipated, and he was back to his normal human self. He then walked over to Hitler, who was clutching his balls in agony, as Ian then proceeded to shave off almost all of his moustache (leaving only the little bit that Hitler will become infamous for in the 40s and onwards), then proceeded to piss all over him._

IAN: "Come on, Table, let's go. This wimp isn't even worth the energy to kill."

 _As Ian and Table made their way back, Ian noticed that he was no longer in his Super Scot form._

IAN: "Aw shit, that's not good. I think that me awakening my latent Super Scot powers was all due to that potion. Fucking shit, I coulda used that tomorrow. Or when that war Sasaki mentioned was going on."

 _As Ian and Table walked back in silence, to pay respects for the loss of a valuable power, the two eventually made it to Ian's room._

TABLE: "Well, Ian, I need to thank you for coming with me to retrieve Tobias' rainbow diamond encrusted cock ring, without it he can't fight with a raging boner. And, as you said, if you don't have a rager while fighting, you're a pacifist."

IAN: "Yeah. Speaking of, I might need to fight someone else, as mine is lasting long. At this rate, it might last longer than 4 hours, and that means I'd need to find a doctor in the one horse town."

 _Ian laid back on his bed, a bulge still protruding from his trousers._

TABLE: "Well, I DO still need to thank you for what you did for us…"

 _Table then proceeds to remove Ian's pants, and gazes upon his long Scottish salami._

IAN: "Wait, Table, what are you-"

TABLE: "Shhh, it's ok. I think you deserve this."

 _Table then proceeds to put Ian's round peg into one of its round holes (from the trees, because this is a wooden table)._

IAN: "Oh my god, Table, that feels fan-fucking-tastic!"

 _As Ian and Table proceed to do the horizontal happy dance, they start slow, and gradually get rougher and rougher. And right before the climax of their dance, Ian starts to shout._

IAN: "Oh Table… I'm about to… UNLEASH THE…!"

 _Ian then proceeded to ejaculate in Table's hole, then fell asleep immediately after. It WAS 3am, after all, and he HAD just fought the legendary Super Aryan. So this last 'battle' with Table was all it took to tucker him out entirely._

 _The next morning, sunlight filtered in through the window, and onto Ian's face. Ian then immediately shot up in his bed, as if he had just remembered something of vital importance._

IAN: "...MCKRACKEN! Huh? What the fuck happened last night? Table, you here?"

 _Ian then looks around for Table, but Table was nowhere to be found. However, on top of his shoes, Ian found a note. Without haste, he opened the letter, and began to read it aloud._

IAN: "Ian, it was such a pleasure to meet you, and to 'meat' you~! I'm so sorry to leave like this, but my people need me, so I'm going back to Scotland. But don't worry, I'll be sure to spread the word that you ARE the legendary Super Scot! You'll be given a hero's welcome when you return, I promise you that! Love, Table."

 _Ian then looked out the window, smiling slightly._

IAN: "I hope I didn't just impregnate a table…"

 _The scene then fades to black, and the credits roll._


End file.
